Zombies in Edmonton!

The River Valley? Fort Edmonton Park? The Transit? Where would you go if #yeg was overrun by zombies?!

BY EMIL TIEDEMANN

THE probability of Edmonton being devoured by a zombie apocalypse is about equal to the likelihood of our humble hometown being entirely devoid of those pesky potholes. It just isn't going to happen! But, as morbid as it most likely will sound, it's kind of fun to think about, no?!

The undead...or a GWAR concert, maybe?!

I'm not talking about the potholes, of course, because that's just too far out there; nope, I mean the takeover of the insatiable living dead. What would we do? Who would survive and who would parish? Where would we go to escape from having our flesh eaten alive by reanimated corpses? I bet you haven't spent much time going over these questions in your head, have you?! 

Well, that's okay, because I have, and I am more than happy to share my advice on how to survive just such a scenario. In fact, my buddy--let's call him 'Stupid'--and I have debated this very issue for years now, before the world went all crazy for anything zombie, and although we continue to disagree on the best laid plans for such a situation, there's no denying that I'm the one with the right idea. 

You see, my good--albeit creatively-stunted--friend was adamant about heading out to the Edmonton Institution near Fort Saskatchewan in case the zombie apocalypse strikes E-town, spending his days and nights locked up behind dark, steel bars. The exact same place where we currently send the worst of the worst of society.

Don't get me wrong, I get where my friend is coming from, and that the prison would be secure and isolated, but who would want to spend perhaps the rest of his or her days caged like an animal? This is the last place where I would want to maintain some miniscule aspect of the normality that was ripped apart by the rotting flesh that had morphed out of the rest of humanity. Uh-uh!

That brings me to the right decision...West Edmonton Mall! Now, I know exactly what you're thinking! Isn't that where everyone would head to, and would the mall even be a secure option? First of all, let's sprinkle some hypothetical reasoning in here, and pretend that only a few dozen or so locals made it to the mall, and that any other survivors remained scattered throughout the city limits. In this case, West Ed would be the city's prime locale for the zombie apocalypse, where you can hatch out some long term blueprint to head to the Rockies or stay put until Chuck Norris single-handedly eradicated the entire zombie race.

My zombie book 'The Turn'
Just think about it. Each entrance way--which can be barricaded with stylish furnishings from The Brick and Pottery Barn--are double-doored, and there are countless places to rest, to eat, or to hide in case there's an unlikely breech. There is supplies for anything you can think of, from a weekend campout to Armageddon. For crying out loud, there's a shooting range stockpiled with enough firearms to take out a small Third World army. 

Don't forget that there's the T&T Supermarket, bulging with canned and frozen goods that could last even dozens of people many, many months, and various other places that carry medicine and medical supplies. Heck, there's even a police station where you could file a complaint if need be!

But most importantly West Ed offers an array of things to do that could allow some hint of the past to creep back into one's psyche and daily routine. The waterpark, the mini-golf course, Galaxyland, the Ice Palace, movie theatre, hotel and casino, the thousands of books and games, toys and tools, booze and music. Come on! A way to find a slice of comfort in a world where all your friends were now preoccupied scouring the city streets for fresh flesh. 

So this is your chance to pick sides. Would you rather be rotting away like the zombies behind the razor fences and stone walls of a maximum security facility, or diving headfirst down the Thunderbolt slide in the World Waterpark? Hunting for food in the prison's nearby winter bushes, or sipping on exported beer and aged Scotch on Bourbon Street? Trying to remember what the sky looks like within your steel cage, or munching on Cool Ranch Doritos while enveloped in the latest Nicholas Sparks bestseller high atop the Mindbender? I rest my case.

Now that I've all but cemented your choice of residence in the implausible--yet not impossible--case of the elusive zombie apocalypse, we can return to focusing our attention on a more important issue at hand. Potholes. 

P.S. In the meantime, I think you should pick up my very first book, The Turn. It's a dark zombie apocalypse book that is available via Kindle, online, or at Happy Harbor Comics in downtown Edmonton. Happy Halloween, Edmonton!

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